When is the Price of Belonging Too High?

Like a lot of us on this planet, I have always struggled to Belong.  I define Belonging as the ability to show up and be not only the person you are currently, but the person you are Becoming.  

This past year has been no exception as I launched my coaching business and went about finding “my people” ---my clients and colleagues with whom I could Become while also Belonging.

Becoming is an iterative process that is a reflection of the numerous identity transitions we go through in life.  In my experience because life is full of transition, we are forever Becoming.  Hence the reason it is not uncommon to outgrow jobs, spouses and friendships.  It requires deep acceptance and understanding on both sides as we grow and develop.

Becoming the next version of ourselves is dependent on our ability to let go of the old tapes or stories in our head that we have outgrown. To be sure we often are deeply attached to our stories and delight in re-animating them. But in order to not hold ourselves back from Becoming, we need to take responsibility for how we have kept the story alive in our head.

My whole life has felt like the worst forced choice exam between the "Becoming, being true to myself, or Belonging, being true to another. Growing up, when I spoke my truth in a conflict avoidant family, it was not always well received. My mother wanted a “go along get along” girl and that’s not who I was at my core.  I learned that I go either “go along” and please another at the cost of betraying myself or I could not Belong. 

Throughout my life, in order to heal this wound I gravitated toward situations that aggravated it so that eventually I would, as we all do, learn the lesson after experiencing enough pain. Throughout my life the pattern was picking jobs, careers and relationships that didn’t support me in Becoming, so I didn’t fully show up and therefore never fully felt seen. A double bind for both Belonging and Becoming. When I could no longer stand disappointing myself to please another, I ended the job, the marriage, or the friendships that I had outgrown. It often felt that I was being tested more than others.

But I believe God, the Universe, the Divine, has a way of putting us on our track and for some of us takes more years of resistance than others.  

If we give ourselves full permission to speak our truth and Become, then chances are good that we will feel a sense of Belonging.  But if we are forever directing our energy outside ourselves, then at best we are only deluding ourselves.   

Over the last decade I’ve had multiple transitions that have tested my commitment to lean into Becoming a new version of me that is much more inner directed and focused on self-approval.  Through all these transitions the common denominator was struggling to release the story of feeling “not enough” for my clients, my children and stepchildren or my new partner.  Like most women, my “enoughness” was largely outer directed. And I was exhausted and often lost from myself.

I was drawn to Astrology because it is a powerful tool for learning how to redirect our energy.   I needed to understand myself and this vacillating pattern of giving to others and denying myself or being overly attached to my truth.

This year my ongoing commitment to Becoming was challenged when my kids' father tragically passed away in August. It marked a significant passage of time in all our lives and caused me to be reflective in ways I couldn't have anticipated. 

I've lost a father but never a former spouse and father of my children. Trust me when I say grieving such a significant loss for your children forever changes you.  It was the final stage in grieving the loss of a relationship which had a significant part to play in my Becoming who I am today.

I realized all the Hard Lessons I’ve been learning for the past decade had strengthened me.  The thing about Strength that is hard earned---it can’t be taken away unless we Allow it.  And if we truly see ourselves, then there can be no more compromising.  The past three months have consisted of deep healing around my sense of “enoughness.”

As recently as this week I was confronted again by another with a demand to compromise my truth.  I felt the old familiar feelings of the double bind of pleasing another or risk losing the relationship.  But despite the feelings, something significant had shifted internally.  I felt secure in myself from a place of high regard.  I saw myself completely and there was no desire to compromise, despite the old uncomfortable energetic imprint that was still present in my pain body.  A significant energy shift was occurring.  The outer directed flow of energy that for years defined me, of pleasing and appeasing others stopped.  All the energy I so quickly gave away to others, remained within me. 

So I guess I should not be surprised to learn that this week Chiron, the wounded healer, is moving Direct in Aries, my Rising Sign and placement for Chiron.  My whole life I have questioned intensely my right to assert myself.  And yet a strong Aries is strong in self.  When Aries is concerned with what others think or perceive the Warrior energy is diluted and we can no longer be the Leaders we are born to be. To be clear Aries is a Warrior not because its bloodthirsty but because it is compelled to find the truth.

I believe we are all Warriors regardless of our birth sign and whether we acknowledge it or not. Because the cost of not being a Warrior is that we give way our power by waiting for others to approve of us.  We are ultimately the only ones who need to approve of ourselves.  When we can do that, we have the most secure sense of belonging that exists.