As You Approach Mid-Life Are You Ready to Shrink or Expand?

"You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do." - Marianne Williamson

By the time we transition into “middle age” our identity starts to shift and we begin to notice a gap between who we thought ourselves to be and the person staring back at us in the mirror. Gone are any remnants of the shining child from our youth.

Mid-life is a classic "liminal" or in between zone where we are readying ourselves to leave behind old ways that once represented a source of security and now feel like a restriction. It feels like the contractions of life are pushing us deeply out of our comfort zone and into a place where our identity hangs in limbo. This is the first stage of any transition: leaving behind our old identity. It's about honoring endings, which can be subtle or significant.

For some of us, jobs at this stage in our life become less about mastering something new and more about tolerating something old. Families shift and change as children grow up and move away. Relationships with spouses demands a re-boot to survive or at the very least a more active and open form of communication than we are accustomed to practicing.

In the midst of a lot of all these external changes, it's easy to become stuck. If we are lucky, however, we are able to shift our perspective and give ourselves permission to view this period of life as one of expansion, not contraction.

In my own experience as well as my experience working with women navigating various life transitions, the biggest determination of whether someone can open up to the possibilities for her life is whether she can successfully navigate the second stage of transition which is about staying open and neutral. In order to do this, and not contract or shut done its necessary to make peace with the past.

I’ve written a lot in this blog about the power of Second Chances. Second Chances in life are the equivalent of extending ourselves an act of grace and compassion because in order to claim a new beginning we must allow ourselves the opportunity to learn from our failures without judgment. The judgment part is imperative because when we judge ourselves we keep ourselves separate from others and our energy constricts.

I've been fortunate to navigate multiple second chances in my career and relationships only after making peace with the past and navigating through the liminal space. I wrote in the last blog about my most recent second chance which was forgiving myself for feeling the need to prove my worth to my children. The energy of judgment we apply to one area of our life inevitably seeps into others. For me proving had become a way of life for so long, it made many aspects of my life feel unnecessarily heavy.

The process of expanding for most of us, myself included, is not easy because we are our hardest critics. It only becomes possible after we undergo an internal struggle for control between our natural or divine tendency to expand versus our human tendency to seek security. If we can release the limitations of our mental conditioning that taught most of us to fear expansion and to seek solace in restriction or playing small only than we are able to step into our true power.

The truth is that proving myself was a pattern I developed in childhood and have spent most of my life releasing in increments. This last vestige was necessary for me to be able to step even more fully into my power and authority as an advisor to others.

The process of expansion hinges on two critical components -- courage and self compassion. Courage is required because as we grow out of who we have known ourselves to be our entire life, there is a neutral zone we pass through in which it is critical to stay open, curious and detached. If we shut down too soon out of fear or discomfort with the unknown then we may miss our window of opportunity and opening it again requires an even larger act of courage.

Where is your window of opportunity? Are you ready to climb through it?

If we get it right, and climb through the window by applying equal doses of courage and compassion to ply it open, then we set ourselves up for a rebirth in mid life that is the sweetest type of joy imaginable.